I searched my old blogs again, maybe i got an itch to read those reflections i made during my unstable years... When browse through the net Isaw this article. I read it over and over again. I had mixed emotions remembering those days when i was broken and alone.
In the earlier minutes, i have found BO Sanchez' article in my email, entitled, inner peace..
For the rest of the first two quarters of the year, i have been relentless and restless. I assumed that it was just normal probably because i had ended an almost four year relationship. I did crumble and grind to the ground. I was broken into pieces and saw my shattered self so lost in picking what's left of me. I have loved that person so much that i had already conditioned myself to be his wife. Albeit all my preparations, this event occurred. I never expected that I could let go of such relationship,that caused my prayers.
It caused too much pain not just inside of me, but to my community as well. It caused collisions between my hurting self and the prying and opinionated society I belonged to. When I thought i did what I had to do, the world turned its back from me and accusing me of the fall. I cannot blame them, for they do not know what my heart had gone through before such decision. It took me three months of silence, of numbness, of hoping and eventually giving up. It was in this three months i am in deep reflection and begging to turn the loneliness away yet, the answer was to- LET GO!
I heard some of my friends told me, "if youreally love the person, then you should not give up." If, they continue, you let go then you really did not love the person at all. I was crushed then. It's true, yet, the prodding inside me is much stronger than the power of staying. And I heed to what I believe and made a choice.
I know its not the famous choice but i have to do it because I think it's right and for the first time, i was not swayed by others, though hurting i stand by my decision.
My realization with why i have to break up with him is this,- He never really needed me, he needs himself to fix the irreconcilable issues we had. I had to need myself too, to regain the love i am looking for.
We both realized that we need this break up. He needs to grow again as a christian leader and to realize the responsibilites he should face; of going out of his comfort zone and to traverse the road less travelled for him to build himself up. Unfortunately, he needs to be alone. It happened when i am no longer part of his life (and so I claim.)
I need this too, to realize what i am climbing for, to fill the needs of myself without him by my side. ANd to value myself as I have forgotten it all through those years......
We were in the process of searching this inner peace, until we attended our ICon in Pampanga.
On the ILC, the theme loudly banged in my head, " LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU" this is the commandment Jesus is sharing in us. This how i had my inner peace. When i no longe hold the grudges of a failed relationship.
This too has been BO's determination of the true test of inner peace. ANd what he called to find the REASON in everything that we do. and that the reason is HIS LOVE.
I know it could be ironic that i hold on LOVING ONE ANOTHER when i cease on loving a particular person. but what i meant on holding what Jesus told us to do, is that though we had failed relationship, disappointed with the results of our sacrifices, too many aches had been experience, JEsus still said love and continue loving. I may cease to be in love with my former boyfriend. but the loving of a sister for him will never cease nor be taken away. I have loved him and still loving him as a brother in my community. I had let him go so that God's purpose in his life will be given to him.
After almost two years, i had found my smile back too. NOt in the arms of another man but with a strong God I always lean on; who never fails to love me as me and who never left me when i was so unlovable. In Him I found the love i am seeking for. and Himwill I find the right man He will provide for me.....
1. Yaya buys food at McDo. Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?” Yaya: “Puwede sa table?” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!” Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.” Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?” Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office. Doc: “Bottlefed?” Woman: “Brea - stfed po.” (Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly) Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.” Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten. She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor: “Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star. Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…” Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?” Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!” Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?” Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.” Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?” Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…” Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?” Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!” (Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?” Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform. I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?” She answered: “Secret!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out : “Ang pangit naman, happy ending!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!” Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!” Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?” Mom: “It’s up to you.” (During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?” Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko, sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can at isang Sprite na Coke in can…” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!” INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?” SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!” INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located. She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?” Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!” Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?” Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle. Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?” Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs: “Down to earth! Down to earth!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio. Before my mom left the house, our yaya said, “Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son. So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun. Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered: “Parang Watson’s yata…” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?” Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!” Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?” Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?” Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya) Kuya: “Yaya…” Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!” Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!” Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?” Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired: “Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo. At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 26. Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?” Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises): “Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 28. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?” MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.” AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?” MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 29. Yaya picking up the phone saying: “ Hilo ?” We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad. We told her, “Yaya, baliktad!” Then Yaya said: “Lohi?” ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence. Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone, (ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"
Have you watched the Bourne Identity or Taken? The action scenes in these movies are too breathtaking. Every move of attack is so precise and calculated that every contact is so fatal. What amazes me is that these very artful martial arts and very deadly defense came from our ancient defenses. Yes, it is called callie alongside with arnis and eskrima fighting. It is called the Filipino MArtial arts.
I am always an avid fan of martial arts. When i was young, I always accompany my siblings in their taekwondo class just to spare some time to imitate the kicks of their masters. I love the sparring time in their routinary practice. I was not able to join my siblings because i have no money to pay for their so expensive fees.
When I was in second year highschool, we had a tricycle driver who happened to have a blackbelt in aikido. He spent saturdays with us just to teach us the fundamentals of this self defense. He encouraged us (my brothers) to honed our self defense skills to protect us anywhere. Little did we know that he was a secret agent working for the AFP and he needed to survey the streets of the city to accomplish a secret mission. and of course the smartest idea to do his undercover schemes is through being a tricycle driver. He taught us very well that in the four months he stayed with us, he left us with discipline and courage to protect ourselves from danger.
And then came college, where i got the opportunity to learn taekwondo free of charge.. ( because it was in the pe curriculum) I was then trained to be a varsity player. I was in awe with my other players because they are really good. Though i got a belt and trained in the SPEARS gym for two years, my promotion diminished as i shifted to other sports-- basketball.
Yet all that i learned from my coaches i kept in my heart especiall the self defenses.
The most important thing i learned from these martial arts is to protect myself from any iompending danger and the best way to do that is to run-- yes you heard it right... RUN away.
and i followed it. I remembered a night when i had to use the advise. I was going home then after our evening basketball practice from School. I took my usual route, the dark alley heading the Supreme COurt building and entering the upper session road. I love the streets then because it was too silent and breezy which calms my mind. When i was about to exit the street, three men suddenly approached me and asked for my ID. I distanced myself from them and weighing what they want. Subconciously, i was already planning to attack whatever happened. I tightened my grip to my umbrella. They continued to approach me and asked for my ID and then suddenly, one threatened me that if i dont' give what they want i wll be like one of my schoolmate who was stabbed near the dorm. I was alarmed when the other one went to my back and the one got even hyper and shouted at me. I was about to attack when a truck suddenly passed by. I took this time to asked for help, luckily a taxi stopped infront of me. i ran towards the taxi and asked for help. I was taken home safely. It was creepy and i promised to myself not to pass that alley again at midnight.
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In our lifetime, we always seek for self preservation and we always want to defend ourselves from any danger that would incapacitate us or to end our lives. We tend to protect ourselves from anything that would hurt us. We want to limit our exposure to risks. And because we already know the result to any hurt that we faced, we tend to become more and more intolerable of pain.
It's basically human nature, noone is to blame. But it is upon us to rise up and face the challenge, to grasp the learnings of the mistake we committed and to glued ourselves with courage to continue.
We always want to conquer our fear that's why we always always putting up our defenses. or we are too coward to face our being afraid so we hide behind those defenses, like the gears we put up everytime we practice sparring.
Again, it's upon us if we want to take away the gears for our defenses and try to fight without them. It's upon us to attack the problem instead become passive in solving them. It's upon us to conquer the fear inside. In the end, the most important thing is not in winning or losing, its standing to fight, to have strength to attack and take the risks........
kyong ne ! si ja!
F.M.A
-- i know a man like you have many defenses, but i will try to tear them down. be ready for my attack!!!!
ipinipilit ko sa aking diwa ang isang piitan na kung saan liwanag ng araw ay isang dayuhan isang alamat na di pa natatanaw
ipinipilit ko ang isang piitan kung saan nagkanda-buhul buhol ang sikmura ko at tuhod at niyayakap na mahigpit ng aking kamay ang paang nipis na ng tinapyas na buho
kung saan ang ihi at tubig inumin ay nagiging isa kung saan ang singaw ng init at lamig ay di na makumpara
kung saan ang bulong ko'y mistulang sigaw at laman ng panalangin ay ang buong ikaw.
pinipilit ko ang piitan ito sa aking diwa dahil mas nanaisin ko ang pagpapagal na ito kaysa di ko makamtan ang iyong halaga.
Isang napakabasang araw ang sumalubong sa akin ngayon. Isa ito sanang abalang sandali dahil nakasked ang bandang princesa para mag-ensayo dahil kinabukasan ay performance namin sa PSU freshmen orientation. Ngunit dahil nagmistulang swimming pool ang bakuran ng drummer namin, may meeting ang kapatid ko sa simbahan at late si poypoy, si emil na ang tagal na naghintay gusto na umalis, at ang ulang nagngangalit ang lakas, nagdesisyon akong ihinto muna. Buti na lang at nagtext ang kua donald na postponed din ang freshie orye at na-resked ng june 15.
Pagkatapos noon, dumiresto ako kina mema, dahil kailangan nila si alisia sa kaniiang ensayo sa bahay nila. Dahil matagal tagal na rin kaming di nagkikita, sumaglit muna ako sa kanila at nagkwentuhan ng mga buhay buhay.
sa aking paglalahad ng ilang mga pangyayari sa aking linggo, napagalitan niya ako at sinabing kasalanan ko kung bakit lumalayo ang mga lalaki sa akin.. Kasi kapag humanga daw ako eh sobrang napaka transparent ko. kaya nahihiya silang lahat para sa akin dahil ako ay nakakahiya. sabi pa niya, buti na lang daw at ang mga hinahangaan ko ay hindi oportunista.
Ang totoo, meron akong dinadraive na point kay mema at hindi ito simpleng paglalahad lamang. at kahit medyo nakaka-offend ang pagkakasabi niya, natuwa ako at nakita niya ang punto ko.
o sige magkuwentuhan muna tayo-- mahaba ang blog na ito...
Ito'ng ganitong perspektibo ang sinasabi ko kay kuya allen ang iniiwasan ko. Sinasabihan ako nikuya allen na magpakatotoo sa sarili ko at gumawa ng paraan para ilahad kung ano ang nilalaman ng puso ko. PEro di ko nga kaya, kasi sa totoo lang, duwag din ako. at takot na takot. ang kaya ko lang amini ay paghanga at di pag-ibig.
magkaiba iyon eh. Mabilis akong humanga sa mga taong may potensyal. Mabilis akong humanga sa mga taong may katangiang gusto ko. Ngunit, matagal akong magmahal. Matagal akong magbigay ng pag-ibig. It does not follow na dahil crush kita o inaadmire kita eh naulog na ako sa'yo o mahal na kita agad. Hindi totoo yan!
Matagal na proseso at inaaply ko ang survival of the fittest. Iyon nga lang sa history ng aking lovelife-- wala akong maraming manliligaw. Ang mga nakarelasyon ko ay kasama sa pangkat ng aking mga kabarkada. In short, lagi kong kasama. In short, nadedevelop ako at hindi love at first sight. walang ganun.
Sa mga nagustuhan ko naman noon, wala namang gusto sa akin. HIndi ako napapansin, kasi mas astig pa ako sa kanila. Parang naririnig ko sa kanila na nagsasabi na, "eh parang mas lalaki pa iyan sa akin eh, paano ko yan aalagaan baka mamaya mas barako pa sa akin yan" Uso kasi noong highschool na darling na babae ang mahinhin at tipong laging ipagtatanggol ng lalake. Kabaliktaran ako noon. Kaisa ako nila, kahit nakapalda ako, tingin sa kin one of the boys. KAya marami ang na-iintimidate.
Me advantage un-- wala akong ka-relasyon noong highschool at natuto akong maghintay nang right time to be involved sa relationship. DisaDVantage?- ung self security ko na maging babae, mejo nabawasan. Buti na lang mabait si Lord, kasi in-equip nya naman ako ng mga skills na kukumpleto sa akin bilang tao-- hindi lang ang pagpansin sa kagandahn ng isang babae-kundi ang worth niya...
Kaya ko siguro sinagot ang unang lalakeng nanligaw sa akin- prof ko sa history, noong college ako. Barkada ko sya noon kasi sa Pahinungod, isa sa mga batang bata guro. Dati tinitreat niya lang kami sa Mcdo. PEro naging close kami noong nagbreak sila noong gf niya. na weirduhan ako sa pagiging broken niya kaya ayan. di ko namalayan, narito sa puso ko na kailangan ko syang pasayahin. ewan ko kung bakit.
Nanligaw sya noong umalis na siya sa UP. Nanligaw sya na di ko alam na nililigawan niya ako. Anim na buwan din un. nakakatanggap ako ng bulaklak at mga tula at love letters. Unang relasyon kaya may timyas sa puso. Matalino ang taong iyon, maganda ang boses at matipuno. Sya ang unang nangharana sa akin at naglakas loob na nagsabing " ICARE!" dahil una ayan, kinilig. after 6 mos nang lihim na panliligaw, umamin sya na mahal niya ako, eh gusto ko na sya noon sinabi ko rin ung nararamdaman ko not knowing iyon na pala un, nagkaroon ako ng unang karelasyon. Tumagal din ito ng halos 3 taon. Ang mala-fairy tale na istorya ay napalitan ng horro movie. It's not what i expected it to be. passe man ay totoo ang reality bites. Kaya umalis ako sa relasyon na ito. Dahil nakalimutan ko kung sino ako. masaya sana kung wala ang grabeng part....
dalawang taon din akong di naghanap ng mamahalin. ang alam ko lang noon, kailangan kong mahalin ang sarili ko. at maglingkod sa Diyos. Punan muli ang kakulangan sa puso ko (nyaks cheesy). Dalawang taon din akong nag dasal at naghintay.This time napaka detailed ang hiniling ko sa Diyos-- lalo na sa itsura. humingi ako ng gwapo kahit di kasing talino noong una kong bf.basta mahal ako at irerespeto ako. pareho sana kaming sfc para maintindihan ang likaw ng bituka ko sa paglilingkod sa Diyos.
after two years, nagkaroon ako ng answered prayer. Nakilala ko siya sa CLP ng SFC. Di ko sya ka-close noon, kasi nga suplado ang dating though dami sa group ko na may gusto sa kanya. paano ba naman, gwapo naman talga at palatawa at palabiro. Noong nagsama kami sa choir, inassign siya sa akin ni maestro na tagahatid since pareho kaming barangay. Aun nalaman ko na mahilig din syang magjog kaya nagkaroon ako ng jogging partner. sa three mos naming araw-araw at gabi gabing magkasama, ang pagtakbo namin pala sa sports complex ang magtatawid sa amin sa susunod na baitang ng relasyon. Sya naglakas loob siyang umamin sa akin, though tinutukso na kami ng sfc. kasi lagi kaming magkasama. ako ito, kinikilig kapag pinapatawa niya sa jogging namin. napapansin ko ring lagi syang nakatingin sa akin. So after 3 mos, umamin sya sa akin. dahil gusto ko sya at tingin ko ready na ako ayan nagsabi ako na gusto ko sya pero hiniling ko na dalawin niya ako sa bahay para makilala sya ng magulang ko. NGunit di pa nagsisimula ang lahat may aberya na.... humawak lang sya sa pagmamahal ko kaya nagpatuloy kami.
Tumagal ito ng halos apat na taong relasyon.Napag-uusapan na namin ang kasal. At naghihintay na lang ako sa kanya. Ngunit, di rin ito nauwi doon. ang saklap hehehe. kasi hinahanda ko na kasi ang sarili kong maging misis niya. Un lang, di ko na talaga kayang maghintay. napagod ang puso ko........ (di ko na eelaborate) Potensyal talaga sana kami. kaso ano ba ang gagawin mo kung di naman kayo sabay lumago? ang daming nanghinayang sa amin. Kahit ako, oo nanghinayang ako noong una. pero sa mga sumunod na pangyayari-- napagtanto kong tama ang desisyon ko.
ayan ang love story ko. hehehe. Dalawa lang silang naglakas loob mahalin ako at naglakas loob akong mahalin sila.
Sabi ng kaibigan ko, bakit daw ako attracted sa mga taong maraming extra baggage sa buhay. BAkit parang gusto ko laging mag-alaga ng tao kaysa alagaan ako?
Naku naman, gusto ko ring maalagaan noh. iyong tipong irerespeto ang indibiduwalidad ko at hindi ma-iinsecure sa akin ang lalaking mahal ko. Nagkataon lang kasi na gusto ko silang pangitiin. Gusto ko lang sanang makapagbigay ng gaan ng loob, dahil kahit mahirap ang mabuhay, masaya na may karamay.
Siguro dahil gusto kong maranasan lagi na kailangan ako. siguro ganun. PEro gusto ko rin makita ang taong kailangan ko..
sabi ni kuya donald, mas masarap naman daw ang mag-alaga kaysa alagaan eh. Heheh at may iboboto raw syang tao para sa alagaang partido. hehehe
Nung nagtanong ako kung sino naman ang mag-aalaga sa akin-- ito ang sagot niya--
Si Lord.
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Napagtanto ko, na naghahangad ako ng taong mamahalin o mamahalin ako, nakalimutan ko na nasa aking puso na Iyong mas may kapangyarihan ng pag-ibig.
nag-iisa man ako ngayon at walang ka-relasyon- di ito nagpapahiwatig na nakakaawa ako at nanlilimos ng pagmamahal. narito na pala iyon sa akin. kaya siguro mas gusto ko ang mag-alaga, dahil binusog ako ng pagmamahal ng Diyos na gusto ko lamang ibigay din sa ibang nangangailangan....
alam ko balang araw, may ibibigay din sa akin ang Diyos nang tamang taong magtuturo sa akin ng balanse ng pag-aalaga. ngunit di pa ngayon, binubuo pa Niya ako. IYon naman ang dalangin ko eh, hindi na ngayon sa taong gusto ko... kundi iyong gusto Niya para sa akin. dahil mas alam niya ang tama at nararapat.
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sa kasalukuyan- humahanga lang ako sa mga talento ng ipinagkaloob ng Diyos.
hindi pa ito paralel sa pagmamahal na hinahanap ko.
ngunit salamat pa rin sa mga estranghero sa daan na naging instrumento ng Diyos para mahanap ko ito.. at matagpuan ang sarili ko.....
I carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear); and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart.
Bersyon bersyon (tonight I can write the saddest lines)
SALIN NI MARK ANGELES (AYON KAY LUCA)
Kaya kong magbitiw ng bitter words ngayong gabi. Mag-scribble-skribulan halimbawa: “Ang gabi ay pilantod at nangangalantutay, bugbog-sarado, ang mga bituin sa malayo. Paruo’t parito ang hangin at ngumangawang parang baka.”
Kaya kong magbitiw ng bitter words ngayong gabi.
Labs ko sya, at minsan daw labs nya rin ako. Sa mga gabing tulad nito, nilalamas ko sya sa aking kandungan. Nilalaplap ko sya sa silong ng marvelous na kalangitan. Labs nya ko, at minsan labs ko rin sya. Pa’nong di ko mamahalin ang malalaki’t bilugan nyang mga mata —parang pugita?
Kaya kong magbitiw ng bitter words ngayong gabi.
Imagine kong wala sya sakin. Ma-feel kong na-lost ko na sya Mapakinggan ko ang gabing OA, mas lalong OA dahil wala sya. At ang talinhaga ay dumidila sa malay tulad ng hamog sa talahib. Ano pa bang meron dyan, Ineng, kung hindi sya mapapasaakin? Period. Sa malayo, may ngumangawa. Sa malayo.
Aburido ang multo ko sa pagkawala nya. At para bagang nandyan lang sya sa tabi-tabi, hinahanap ko pa sya. Hinahanap sya ng puso ko, kapag wala sya sa tabi ko. Ang gabi ring ito’y nagkukulapol ng dirty white sa mga troso. Hindi na kami ang dating kaming kami.
Hindi ko na sya labs, pramis, pero labs na labs ko sya dati. Hinahagilap ng hininga ko ang hangin para bugahan sya. Nilalaplap na sya ng iba, tulad ng paglaplap ko sa kanya. Ang boses nya, ang seksi nyang wankata, ang for layp nyang mga mata.
Hindi ko na sya labs, pramis, pero medyo labidabs ko pa rin sya. Maigsi lang ang lablayp ko pero ang makalimot sangkatutak na 50 golden years ang inaabot.
Dahil sa mga gabing ganito nilalamas ko sya sa aking kandungan. Aburido ang multo ko sa pagkawala nya. Kahit ito na ang last chance ko para magmaasim at ito na rin ang huling chuminess ko sa kanya.
(Kaya kong Mag-bitiw ng Bitter Words: Mark Angeles)
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na windang akech sa pagread ko ng salin na ito.. sobrang nag go araound the world ang utak ko sa bersyon na ito ng isa sa mga gusto kong tula ni pablo neruda sumunod sa sonnet niya...
buti na lang pinost ito ni luca sa fw.. nakakaaliw talaga kahit napaka harrassing to my morals ang ilang linya nito.. pero kakaiba at talaga namang ito ang pinost kong bersyon at hindi kay pete lacaba anu? o kaya ung mas madramang gawa ni allan andres.. hehehehe.....
pero dahil may paggalang ako kay pablo at pete ito pinost ko pa rin
Ito ang original...
Pablo neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before. Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her.
----
ito naman kay pete
KUNDIMAN (salin ni Pete Lacaba)
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi.
Maisusulat, halimbawa: "Ang gabi'y mabituin, at nanginginig, asul, ang mga tala sa dako pa roon."
Umiikot sa langit ang hangin ng gabi, umaawit.
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi. Siya'y inibig ko, at kung minsan ako'y inibig din niya.
Sa mga gabing tulad nito, niyakap ko siyang mahigpit at hinagkan sa lilim ng walang-hanggang langit.
Ako'y inibig niya, kung minsan siya'y inibig ko rin. Paanong hindi iibigin ang mga mata niyang malamlam?
Maisusulat ko ang pinakamalulungkot na tula ngayong gabi. Isipin lang: Hindi ko siya kapiling. Nawala siya sa akin.
Dinggin ang gabing malawak, mas malawak pagkat wala siya. At ang tula'y pumapatak sa diwa, parang hamog sa parang.
Ano ngayon kung di siya mapangalagaan ng aking pag-ibig? Ang gabi'y mabituin, at siya'y hindi ko kapiling.
Iyon lamang. Sa malayo, may umaawit. Sa malayo. Diwa ko'y hindi mapalagay sa kanyang pagkawala.
Anyong lalapit ang paningin kong naghahanap sa kanya. Puso'y naghahanap sa kanya, at siya'y hindi kapiling.
Ito ang dating gabing nagpaputi sa mga dating punongkahoy. Tayo, na nagmula sa panahong iyon, ay di na tulad ng dati.
Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero inibig ko siyang lubos. Tinig ko'y humalik sa hangin para dumampi sa kanyang pandinig.
Sa iba. Siya'y sa iba na. Tulad ng mga dati kong halik. Tinig, maningning na katawan. Mga matang walang-hanggan.
Hindi ko na siya iniibig, oo, pero baka iniibig ko siya. Napakaikli ng pag-ibig, at napakabata ng paglimot.
Pagkat sa mga gabing tulad nito'y niyakap ko siyang mahigpit, diwa ko'y di mapalagay dahil sa kanyang pagkawala.
Ito marahil ang huling hapding ipadarama niya sa akin, at ito na marahil ang huling tulang iaalay ko sa kanya.
One disturbed and uneasy night, i succumbed to my pen. I dilly dally wrote a very cheesy two linesfor a four verse poem. As i progressed, i realized it lacked the apathy i want it to bear. So i tore down the paper and reached for a new set of yellow pad when i accidentally read a poem i have written a year ago.
I browsed the poem. a very simple and enduring poem, i observed. Suddenly, my heart's rumbling to create a tune for that sincere poem.
I caught my guitar and plucked a few chords and the melody became clearer and clearer as i heard my heart sang.
I, of course corrected some lines to fit it for a song. I strummed my guitar the whole night and the lyrics and music lingered so much in my mind.
it was almost dawn when i gathered myself and surrendered to rest. I didn't realize i created something subconciously bothering me.
it was a tradition always, in my production of songs, if the tune remained in my head it was meant to be created. In the case of this unfinished song, it ruled me for a day.
So to stop the haunting, i went to kuya sherwin for help. We played around the arrangement. we started having its jazzy beat. At first i intended it to be just POP ballad, but as Kuya she discovered altering chords the song progressed and the final touch was --again-- Rock Ballad.
I like what he did. i love the guitar arrangement. It evolved into a sweet rock ballad. After recording it through an MP4. i got excited to let it be heard by everybody forgetting that the very inspiration of that song is present. Well, he will not give any damn about the song anyway. So i started sharing it with friends except him of course.
(This is the catch of this blog- But really i want to share the song with him. The problem is that i think he really is avoiding me. And i don't know the reason why. Anyway, this is just an opinion- not the truth. The song is resonating his name but he kept his ears locked and his heart freezed, frigid. For me, though it's a bit lonely, i accept it.. and maybe after this song.. my heart will again seek for letting go..)
In this bubuyog talk, i have to make a decision. While i am so guilty of being so transparent and very lost because of his presence, I am now relieving myself of self pity and condemnation. I am relieving myself of tension and pressure. I am relieving myself from this imagination. I will move on again. forgetting what has been laid upon me are just sheer and pure fantasy-- not tangible reality.
The flower is passive, never the active one in the pollination. The bee is always the one who comes near to the flower and while the flower painfully withers, it patiently wait for other bees to realize its worth and its beauty. It will patiently wait for that right bee to make it bloom again.
And when finally a stranger bee gets attracted to its petals, the petal will always be faithful and loyal to that bee; that it will always give the sweetest nectar it has for that one special bee......
But for now, the petals will have to sway with the wind to shrug off the intangibles....
if you're wondering where the heck is the song-- here it is...
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Your face lingers in my thoughts
I like how you
appear and disappear
into my universe
you came without any approval
your presence cause too much upheaval-- "(the term)"
my head's in a spin
my heart's under your command
i don't understand
cause you're just a stranger in my world
with a life of twists and turns
a whirlwind of chances
for that familiar romance
you're a stranger in my world
you came without any approval
your presence cause too much upheaval-- "(the term)"
sidhi May 3rd 1982 (Age 27) Female Philippines
lihim ng kwerdas
kapag ang saliw niya'y
parang batingaw/
ng kampanang
hudyat ng pag-asa/
kapag ang pagkalabit
sa kanya'y mahinhin/
parang dalaga sa hardin
kapag ang tunog niya'y
buo at nangungusap ng mga/
puso
at himig niya totoo/
ang kwerdas ay ako/
at walang ikukubli/
sa mundo..../
unti-unti ko nang
iniintindi
ang pagsibol ay
katumbas ng taglagas
upang sumuong
sa bagong bukas...
kailangang magbawas
ng mga dala-dalahing
katumbas na dasal-dasalin
sa paglakbay
sa paghakbang
tanging hangad
ay laging tagumpay..
